a story of hope.

e l e v e n y e a r s :

the number means nothing to me, but every digit brings the before & after closer to balance: just so much longer before i will have lived half of my life without my mother...

i feel the need to reflect on this day every year because most of the time it never crosses my mind... yet it was so pivotal: there was my life before March 24, 2001, & now there is my life after. don't get me wrong, there are other dates of significance too, but this has been one of the most affecting. the downside of my observance is that it places emphasis on the end of her part in my story. today i celebrate my mom's 'birthday' in heaven, i try to remember all the amazing ways she helped to shape me into who i am now, but it still hurts that she's gone. & as much as i'd like to mask it with alternative titles, death is just not happy.

fortunately, though, i did not start typing in an effort to throw myself a pity party.
there is a deep reason to appreciate today because it was a catalyst for great hope in my life.

before today eleven years ago, my life was good - not perfect, but i had no major complaints that i can remember. i had a relationship with Jesus, but i couldn't help but be afraid of death: life was so comfortable, even with the evidence of depravity i saw in petty middle school drama, that i didn't really long for Home. in an instant, that changed.

i think that despite our best efforts, it isn't until our hearts break that we can fully recognize the brokenness of this world.

call it 'experiential learning,' if you will. the moment that car went spinning off the road, something else was in motion. my fear of death was shaken off, & this place was no longer "home," because i could feel in the depths of my soul that this is not how things were meant to be. children aren't supposed to lose parents when they're still growing up. people weren't put here to starve to death, or end their own lives, or be hit by cars, or suffer the pain of disease slowly consuming their bodies. people weren't created to die.

but this place is broken, so it happens. & unfortunately it will continue to happen until He comes back to make it right. on the day that i felt my world crashing down around me, this hope i now have was weaving itself in with unstoppable stride. so as much as today reminds me of the deep emotional pain i have experienced, that is not the conclusion; restoration is coming, & i can't wait until the day i get witness this:

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.' He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!' Then He said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.' He said to me: 'It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life.'" - Revelation 21:1-6

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"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book... This I know: God is on my side! I praise God for what He has promised; yes, I praise the Lord for what He has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?" - Psalm 56:8-11 [NLT]

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." - Matthew 5:4

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." - Romans 8:18,22-25

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39

"But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. 'Do not fear their threats; do not be frightened.' But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect" - 1 Peter 3:14-15