[note to self] // perspective in pain.

today would have been her 47th
but 37 was the last birthday she celebrated with us.
now she's with Him.

i wonder how much i've actually learned these years, how much wisdom & insight has actually stuck - or if i would have anything of worth to say to that teenage girl who would not be celebrating her mother's birthday today nine years ago...

(the following is a message from me to my former self.)
i wish i knew sooner [that]:

it's okay to hurt.
tell your brothers! & take your time. pour it out. the screaming emptiness will eventually calm to a whisper, but stifling it or distracting from it will only bury the pain that needs air to heal. go until you feel like you have nothing left. then He will help you to rebuild with untainted bricks, but first the walls must come down. it's much better to rebuild than to have to fix a faulty foundation down the road.

- Psalm 30:2-3, Isaiah 41:10, Isaiah 40:31

don't apologize.
you did not take her from them. He is sovereign, you are not to blame. all timing is conducted entirely by hands of wisdom & love greater than your own. these hands are not in the business of pointing fingers, so don't be deceived. don't dwell on details of 'what if' or garden seeds of regret. move forward with small steps.

- Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 3:5-6, Psalm 33:11-22

you don't have to be strong to be made strong.
He knew you could handle this only because He had signed up to carry you. His power is made perfect in your weakness. if you seek Him for answers, you'll find truth to medicate your soul. let Him strengthen you. be real & keep it sincere; it's all a part of giving your wounds air to heal. only the One who has conquered the world can do this for you, so beware false remedies.

- 2 Corinthians 12:9, John 16:33

there is more to this.
as much as this seems like a lonely struggle, remember that His purposes stretch beyond your life. one day you will be able to talk about this in a way that will bring healing & reassurance to others. your pain is not to scar you but parallel you with others in their times of suffering. His plan is bigger than your comprehension, & He is always good in & through every situation.

- 2 Corinthians 1:3-7, Romans 8:28

just because your crying is loud doesn't mean that there aren't other sounds to be heard.
listen & you can hear the angels celebrating the end of her suffering. she's rejoicing that she is finally there with Him & that joy is radiating! just hush a while & let it seep in. you might not be able to echo it just yet but let it drown out the pain. He has peace for you if you'd just agree to the trade.

- Psalm 30:5, Philippians 4:6-7

you are so incredibly loved.
not punished, not forgotten, but cradled.
don't doubt it; testify to it.

- Zephaniah 3:17, Ephesians 3:17-19